Monday, June 2, 2008

Insomnia brings out the best in me!

THAT is sarcasm. I have now officially lost track of how many nights it's been, but to say that I am sleep-deprived and somewhat cranky is profoundly understating the situation. It could be worse. I could still have shingles, or be saddled with allergies like everyone I know!

Instead I am restless and on the lookout for places to put my frenetic energy. So far, I have found yoga again (total help), walking up and down these infamous hills, and getting back into my reading. This time I'm taking it all in small doses, which is unlike me, but I guess a lot of things have changed of late. It is officially the 2nd of June, and I am officially feeling shaky. I have this sneaking suspicion that I am strong girl, despite some of my weaker moments (some that I made a total meal out of). Does being more confident and independent mean more alone time?

I have these friends who align with depth psych and Hillman and the whole archetypal thing. They say I carry a Venus presence right now, as opposed to my Athena-esque aloofness of old. I have been quite comfortable with that so far, and researched specific tales about her.

Part of this could be due to actual love -- romantic love that has hit me like the proverbial arrow in the heart. And, as glowy as I may seem to others, I feel wretched inside and as vulnerable as can be. I think this may be what I was running from all these years, and now it is here, and it is impossible, and, again, I run.

So now you know the secret I hold. Well, a little.
The details stay with me.


Steve/Steven/Daddy said...

If your substance is anything like your style you are rich in many ways. My vote on your question...Does being more confident and independent mean more alone time?...yes it does. It's not better or worse...just a different set of circumstances to navigate. I have a feeling you understand yourself and that actually gives me hope. :-) I hope you write again.

David A. Caruso said...

Pardon a stranger busting in here, but perhaps your stated darkness stems from the fact you live in Wichita, Kansas! It is somewhat of an accursed town; existential angst clogs its psychic corridors like a thick cloud.