Insomnia brings out the best in me!

THAT is sarcasm. I have now officially lost track of how many nights it's been, but to say that I am sleep-deprived and somewhat cranky is profoundly understating the situation. It could be worse. I could still have shingles, or be saddled with allergies like everyone I know!

Instead I am restless and on the lookout for places to put my frenetic energy. So far, I have found yoga again (total help), walking up and down these infamous hills, and getting back into my reading. This time I'm taking it all in small doses, which is unlike me, but I guess a lot of things have changed of late. It is officially the 2nd of June, and I am officially feeling shaky. I have this sneaking suspicion that I am strong girl, despite some of my weaker moments (some that I made a total meal out of). Does being more confident and independent mean more alone time?

I have these friends who align with depth psych and Hillman and the whole archetypal thing. They say I carry a Venus presence right now, as opposed to my Athena-esque aloofness of old. I have been quite comfortable with that so far, and researched specific tales about her.

Part of this could be due to actual love -- romantic love that has hit me like the proverbial arrow in the heart. And, as glowy as I may seem to others, I feel wretched inside and as vulnerable as can be. I think this may be what I was running from all these years, and now it is here, and it is impossible, and, again, I run.

So now you know the secret I hold. Well, a little.
The details stay with me.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye MAY

Basically, this is almost ridiculous to be writing about May when we are practically in June already. And what nonsense -- to update after so many months! Where to begin; what to leave in or take out?

Let's start with today, shall we? See where the day takes us. Today is a Tuesday, day after Memorial Day, day after seeing "Iron Man" at the Metreon downtown. Oh, yeah. I'm here in San Francisco, as brief a stint as it will turn out to be. Remember that commitment I made to the year -- that this year I follow my heart, my instincts, wherever they take me?

As of now, they are taking me back to Wichita. And I am excited. I have work all waiting for me, family, friends, a life I want to live. Here I've found that so much of what I love about California, about San Francisco, are things I want to share with someone. This is a place set up for togetherness.

I realize that for all my posturing, I have some practical, personal work to get do before someone else enters my life. I have to create space for love, if it will ever have a chance. So, I embrace my newfound vitality and responsibilities with appreciation and determination. And hope, can't forget that! I will have a room to write in, a neighborhood with friends nearby, and dedication to something besides angsty digressions about the meaning of life.

Maybe something will be found in the doing that is not found in the theory. A girl can hide a long time in theory. Hiding is exhausting.

The image of the day is of the angel, and the angel's wings. I have had such pain lately in my chest, in my shoulders, radiating through to my back, my neck. The other day in a massage I was informed that I had overdeveloped muscles in certain places that were overcompensating for the weakness of the others. The image of the angel came to me (certainly more due to Dante and Baudelaire than ANY notion of the angel I am very much not). So much energy I spend trying to be good, to be supportive, and never disappoint.

An angel can hover, protect, be vigilant about those he/she is connected to. But is it such a wonderful thing? "Angelic" is quite a burden, and those wings must get pretty heavy at times, weighing down. My mind likes to play with the images of angels and devils. And the in-between: humanity.

The fierce archangel Michael, doing battle with Satan holding a spear in his right hand, also holds a palm branch in his left; Raphael, a healer, more subdued, holds a physician's alabaster jar and a fish. Gabriel holds the mirror and the lantern, illuminating, connected with the shadowy humanity and deeper notions of the eternal.

Guess who is resonating with me now?

Spring has sprung. Summer awaits, and not a moment too soon.

Until next time,
Stephanie

percolating

Mid-January finds me at the computer, still working out the logistics of relocation. Sigh. Is it really this hard?

In the meantime, there are papers to write, correspondence to keep, and gorgeous Santa Barbara days to savor. Beyond lucky on that account!

My days must be full, because my nights are slow. I appreciate it. My precious, wonderful friend Sue pulled a Tarot card for me the other night, because I was feeling like Little Girl Lost. She pulled the Ten of Cups. I read about it, and it was a cool card, especially given my up-in-the-air feelings. A card of reassurance, and contentment.

Tarot or no, what pulls me through this time of upheaval is school. I can read and lean on the process of integration to carry me. I suppose, too, the process of creation as well.
And, always and most, the love and encouragement of family and friends. Every day I feel more grateful, and it seems like the greatest gift; the best lesson.

I am in flux, my dears. No huge announcements or surprises. Just faith, optimism, and pluck.

Oh. And Jayhawk madness, out here on the central coast!
So damn good. Love watching those kids play!!

2008. Oh my goodness.

Yes, it HAS been a while since I've written on this little site. Very neglectful of me, I admit. Let's see if we can remedy this...

To catch you up: holidays in Santa Fe, back in San Francisco trying like mad to find the next nest. Hurrying through my papers for school (due tomorrow -it will happen), and eager to get back south to get things all aligned for the next chapter. Strange thing about 'next chapters'; you usually start living them before you officially recognize that you do. So as much as I have been working toward a certain type of future, I think I've embarked on living the life I want already.

So I've got THAT going for me.

In my research and analysis of the Grimms' fairy tale "The Goose-Girl", I stumbled upon these words, from the ever-provocative Marie-Louise von Franz:
If, out of mental laziness, you simply sit back and hope that the spirit of unconscious will maneuver you through all the difficulties of your life, then it will play you tricks. But if you make your utmost effort to face life on your own with great courage, but find that you can't, that you are up against a wall and it's beyond your capacities, then, generally, these helpful gifts emerge from the unconscious. (APinFT)

What the hell is she referring to, you may be asking yourself? Well, von Franz is referring to the magical gifts that assist the characters in fairy tales as they rescue the princess, or spin straw into gold, or kill the dragon. Like a ball that rolls where they are supposed to turn, or a stick that renders them invisible to their foes. So, if I am the princess in my own little fairy tale, what gifts have emerged for me? Because I certainly have had the experience of trying to work something out by myself and maybe making it worse through my own myopic ways.

Movement. The Greeks believed it was the expression of the eternal; the flow of water in dreams often refers to the movement in our lives -of our emotions, our creativity, our instincts. I am deeply aware of psyche's gift of meaningful dreams, acceptance from my beloved friends, new friends who make me smarter, make me glow, keep me accountable, and some who grace me with the gift of their eyes, smiles, and erotic energies (that's the creative eros, you know, not the xxx-theater kind).

So, dear readers. 2008 starts off with a wealth of opportunity, determination, acceptance, gratefulness, and thirst for meaning. Quenchable, lovable thirst. Yet another aspect of desire that, in my estimation, moves us, sustains us.

Desire without attachment. Don't try it the other way around. I promise it's not a great idea.
Love what you love, move a little today with your whole heart toward something that FEELS good, not something that makes sense. My goal for the year is to follow my heart wherever it leads me. Logic has been banished to the backseat. My emotion and desire are back in charge.

I'll keep you posted. Sure to be a wild ride.
Stephie